Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
