Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
