If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
