I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
