So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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