just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
