I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
