he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just gift wrapped bread.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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