I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
