I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
