Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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