I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
