If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
