My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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