The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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