I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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