Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
