your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
