Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
