Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize