my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
