I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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