I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
is that a dick in a sweater?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
