I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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