my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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