I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I need a beard to bite.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
