I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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