I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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