Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
