I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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