hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
