i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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