I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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