The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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