I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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