I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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