I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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