bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
