He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
