eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
