Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
