Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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