allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Randomize
