Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
