Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
