hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
