I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
