I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
