so that wasnt chicken after all
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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