i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
