Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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