awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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