I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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