Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
