why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
